Motherhood seems to be an endless excercise in organisation, planning and co-ordination. Inevitably our well laid plans change, because of weather, illness, over tired children or some other force of nature…but the result is always the same…RE-PLAN, RE-ORGANISE, RE-COORDINATE, ADAPT OR DIE!
My plan last night was to get eight hours sleep! Sadly two hours into my deep and peaceful slumber I was awakened by the pita patter of small feet (actually size three now so not so small). When I cleared the foggy sleep in-duced daze I was in I realised that the pita patter was really a wild and frantic run for the bathroom, and then all **$$$### broke lose. For the next four hours, my darling seven year old bravely endured the awful discomfort of a
terrible tummy bug.
Somewhere in between changing sheets, rubbing his back and talking quietly in soothing and encouraging tones while trying to suppress my own gagging reflexes, I was overwhelmed by a profound sense of admiration for my son. Through the whole ordeal he never cried once, he did not complain or whine, instead he seemed to be immersed in the most powerful sense of acceptance. It seemed to reassure him and despite the discomfort and pain he was incredibly peaceful. The only thing that seemed to capture his imagination was what this bug in his tummy actually looked like!!!
I put myself in his shoes for a minute and assessed what my behaviour might have been! In a minute of brutal honesty I had to admit the sight was not pretty. There would have been tears, there would have been whining, I would have question over and over again “why me?”. I would have resisted the experience with all of my being, making it so much worse for myself and any poor soul who was trying to help me. I then cast my memory back over the week and was horrified at all the restistance that jumped out at me: the amount of stressful energy I had created during the week due to traffic, work, financial and relationship issues could have powered up the whole of Cape Town!
Once again it was motherhood and my seven year old son (with the help of a tummy bug) who had reminded me of one of the most enlightened pearls of universal wisdom:
The things we resist grow stronger. Acceptance allows us to move through the reality of life with ease and grace, so that we can direct our energy into those things that promote our own well-being and the well-being of the world.
We simply need to let go…and go with the flow. (Which does not translate into lie down and play dead!)
Last month I introduced a topic that I feel is important to dwell on for awhile. It is a vast topic and one that concerns every mother the world over….PEACE! More specifically, I am interested in a mother’s desire for peace (and quiet and calm!). Not just world peace, but more specifically peace in each of our individual lives and homes and how we can achieve this in the midst of motherhood.
I have come to learn that when we are trying to create a shift in consciousness (chaos to peace) the shift needs to happen on four levels before it really becomes a reality in our lives. The four levels correlate with the four levels of our being that make up our human experience; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
I received an email this month from an old friend which immediately reminded me of the importance of the physical shift we have to go through when we become mothers. The physical shift is the most tangible…but do not be fooled into thinking that because we can see it, it is easy. My friend has one small child and is pregnant with number two. She lives in a different country to her family where there is no domestic help and she works. Yikes!!! That takes some of you back, or else you are in exactly the same predicament right now. This is what she wrote…
“I must give you further feedback from my friends who have read Motherhood and me - they all say how amazing the book is, how they totally identified with it all, yet, looking back on the last year, none of us, including myself were able to actually put in place more support structures to help us cope between work, running the house and looking after the kids. I find this disappointing as I look around and see my dear friends struggling (like me at times) with all the pressures. I think it’s a case of none of us having any time for ourselves let alone feeling like we can ask each other for support e.g. baby sit for each other. This point was really brought home for me when, in November Kelly and I tried to arrange a catch up. She works 3 days a week and so do I at the moment, and despite this, we had to book a month in advance and then I had to cancel as all my family were sick!!! I was horrified that I could not even find the time to see my dearest friend who lives less than 5kms away! Is this just perhaps a stage of our lives that would be better to just surrender to rather than being disappointed at not yet achieving that ’support structure’ between friends since, I don’t have family here and Kevin’s mum works full time ? What is your advise oh darling wise one?”
I liked the end bit… “Oh darling wise one!” But seriously this is the reality of a certain stage of motherhood and it is anything but peaceful, or even enjoyable. It is however, useful because it encourages the shift in consciousness on our physical level. I believe there are two critical ingredients needed in creating a more peaceful existence on our physical level as mothers:
1.Support
2.Balance
This week I am going to look at support. I think we are all in agreement that bringing up your children in the absence of a community of support is human suicide!
For simplicity sakes I am going to take you through a few crucial steps to bring about a shift in physical consciousness and bring some support into our lives.
Step One: Intention.
Perhaps I should write it like this INTENTION because that is how important it is. Somewhere in the joys of motherhood we fall into what I term “survival mode”. Our heads our down, we are intensely focused on all the things that we have to do to ensure the survival of our family…because if they are surviving, or one step better if they are thriving…there is one less thing for us to worry about. When we are in survival mode we have no peripheral vision, we cannot even begin to think of things that are not directly linked to the continued survival of our family…home, food, nappies, schools, extra murals, working to pay the bills etc etc.
The only thing that can get us out of this survival mode is our own INTENTION. The intention comes with the realization that:
1.Your well being is as important as your families
2.When you are happy and relaxed so is your family
3.It is impossible to be happy and relaxed without support in your life.
So the intention we set is for CHANGE. We want things to be different, and we are prepared to do what it takes to make things different. Without a very strong intention…we are stuck in survival mode.
Step two: Put your money where your mouth is….MAKE CHANGES.
If the intention is strong you will persevere until you find a support structure that works. I agree circumstances can make it more difficult for some Mums…but not impossible. Be creative. If one door shuts, try another. Where there in INTENTION…there is a way!
3.OBSERVE the obstacles.
We all make excuses as to why we do not need help or why we can’t find help. Try and observe when and why you do this. If you can gain insight into the obstacles you are creating, you have a better chance of moving beyond them.
4.ASK for help.
When you ask for help, other people feel the freedom to ask for help to. What evolve are mutually beneficial support systems like lift clubs or baby-sitting groups.
5.GO WITH THE FLOW
Acceptance and surrender are a mother’s greatest challenge. Plans get foiled by sick and tired children, extra mural changes, sick grannies or other care-givers. A good sense of humour and the ability to go with the flow makes these times a little less frustrating. BUT a foiled plan should never dull the intention of a mother to seek and surround herself with loving help.
I hope that loving support flows into you lives in abundance this month!
I love being on holiday. Everything stops. No more routine, no more rush, no more deadlines, no more early wake-ups, no more home-work. I get lured… engulfed… mesmerized by the silence of blissful peace. I meditate day and night; feel connected and deeply loving to all forms of life around me (including my children and husband!); and take time to reflect, ponder, process and restore.
Then I go home, and like a professional con-artist, “Peace” who I have come to love, trust and depend on steals my wallet and my virtue and vanishes into the dark night.
2010 is the year to break this cycle!
This holiday I read a book called Being in Balance by Dr. Wayne W Dyer. It mainly focused on the law of attraction and the importance and power of our thoughts. In simplistic terms he was saying that in order to enjoy a balanced life we need to ensure that our desires and thoughts are one and the same. If they are out of balance, then we are out of balance. This is not a new topic but I was particularly inspired by his view on peace.
He wrote,
“Peace isn’t something that you ultimately receive when you slow down the pace of your life. Peace is what you’re capable of being and bringing to every encounter and event in the waking moments of your life…Being peaceful is an inner attitude that you can enjoy when you’ve learnt to silence your incessant inner dialogue. Being peaceful isn’t dependent on what your surroundings look like. It seldom has anything to do with what the people around you think, say, or do. A noiseless environment isn’t a requirement.”
I am elated! There is hope! Instead of the quickronde veaux with peace I have been enjoying once a year whilst on holiday, I should be able to “be at peace” when:
·My kids are tearing each others’ heads off,
·My ten year old is giving me attitude you would expect from a sixteen year old
·My husband tells me he is working late again
·My credit card reaches its limit
·My baby wakes up for the eighth time during the night
·My child doesn’t want to go to school because he is being bullied
·The teacher calls me in and tells me my child needs to be on Ritalin
·I have a meeting, my child is sick and the babysitter is late.
All I have to do is change my thoughts. If my desire is peace then I need to change all the thoughts in my head to peaceful thoughts. So…
The next time I have been driving my kids from pillar to post for three hours in intense traffic, I should not be thinking “I hate this car, I hate driving, I hate my life”. I should be thinking….
And here I hit a blank and my inspiration turns to cynicism. I feel the need to vent!
“Why is it that all spiritual guru’s are either single with no children, or in their twilight years? Where is the spiritual guru who is thirty or forty something, married with a couple of kids, a mortgage and a job? All these teachings are wonderful and inspirational but virtually impossible to implement in the real world of a mother.”
In my heart I know it is possible. I know that the challenges, chaos, slog and heart break of motherhood are actually our friends, companions and teachers. There to encourage, push and cajole us into finding a way of bringing our spiritual selves into our daily reality so that we can participate in our lives with peace and joy. These hardships are our constant motivation to grow, evolve, change and heal. The gift of getting it right during these most turbulent years of motherhood is that we discover the spiritual guru that resides in the heart of each of us, and we start to live and parent from this place.
So my intention for 2010 is to be peace. I am not sure, exactly, how I am going to do that, but I promise to share my discoveries with you! The starting point is to believe with every cell in my body that it is possible. My motto for 2010…
I AM A WOMAN, A WIFE AND A MOTHER WHO IS AT PEACE.
It is that time of year when all my worries about the materialistic, consumer obsessed, stuff devouring little monsters I am raising, bubble to the surface. It has been a slow, but cumulative process as each trip to the shops this year has ended with the same unavoidable, deeply disturbing conversation.
We get to the till…
“Mommy, please can I have some soccer cards.”
“No. We have thousands already.”
“Pleeeeeeeeeezeeeeeeeee Mom. I will use my pocket money.”
The “new age” mother in me kicks in. It is his money and he needs to be able to make independent choices as to how he spends it. (Important note to readers: Do not take any advice from me when it comes to money matters of my own or my children. I am still figuring it out!)
“Ok, it’s your money. You can buy the Soccer cards if you want.”
On the way home, the wrapper to the soccer cards is ripped open, and flung all over the car. There is a groan of disappointment, “Ahhhh I have this guy, and that one…and this one s***ks.”
Within seconds of walking through the door to the house, the new cards become lost and forgotten on the pile of the one thousand other soccer cards we already have and I take a deep breath because I know what is coming next.
“Mom, please can we go back to the shops. I didn’t want soccer cards, I wanted something else. Please Mom, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
From experience I know the whining will last a while, but I am distracted by the uncomfortable knot of worry developing deep in my gut. How am I going to raise non-materialistic, non-consumerist children in this fiercely materialistic and consumer-obsesses world?
At some point during this year I took action. I sat my kids down for a chat. I confided in them that I was deeply worried about the state of the world. I used big words like global warming, resources, energy crisis, consumerist behaviour and materialistic mind-sets. All of which went straight over their innocent little heads. Then I cut to the chase,
“We need to become grateful for the things in our lives that don’t cost any money. We need to remember to love and appreciate the things that we have already got and not always just want more new stuff.”
But that was still not enough. Somehow I needed to bring this new way of thinking to life for them.
Then I got an idea!
I grabbed a thick silver pen and we all congregated in the bathroom. I climbed on top of the toilet and wrote in big bold letters:
WALL OF GRATITUDE.
The kids started to giggle. (This is very strange behaviour…mommy is writing on the wall!)
Then I asked them to call out all the things in their lives they felt grateful for, and my pen joyfully documented everything they said. Of course at some point they also wanted to get creative, so we took turns with the pen and over the course of the next hour our wall of gratitude started to emerge. This is what it looks like…
Now when the whining starts over the material things we don’t have, I simply suggest that they go and spend a little time on the loo, so they can be reminded of all the wonderful things in our lives that we do have. And of course, true to the nature of parenting, I have had to check all my materialistic, consumerist behavior, because as we know our children follow our example.
During the September holidays this year I had a moment of pure delight when I realized that my “clever plan” was working. I overheard a conversation between my six year old son and our Tour Guide in Lesotho. This is what he said,
“Tebelo, you are so lucky. I know you are very poor, but you live with such kind people and you have such beautiful places to visit.”
That was when I had the chance to say to my husband, who had obviously ‘gagawfed’ at our new style of decorating, “you see it was worth it”.
I wish you all a wonderful Christmas, filled with enormous gratitude for all the things that we already have in our lives that didn’t required yet another trip to the shops.
With love
Lindy
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I have had an extraordinarily powerful experience of late. It has evolved around belief and reality… and how your beliefs can create your reality. I have experienced the enormity of this realisation in my own life. Over the last month or so, I have watched how powerful this knowledge had become in my daughter’s life too.
This is how the experience unfolded…
She is eight. Beautiful, bright and very free spirited! Her desire for freedom has clashed with the conformity of school and… she has started to develop a bit of an attitude towards school work in particular. The natural progression has made homework a nightmare. In an attempt to exit the war zone I was envisaging for the next twelve years I started a conversation with her.
We were sitting on her bed (after a heated conversation about homework), and I said to her,
“You know, you have a belief inside your head that is saying you don’t like school work, especially you don’t like maths.”
“Its hard mommy,” she said, “and boring too.”
“Mmmmm, that’s another belief in your head.”
Oh boy. I felt myself getting into deep water. How was I going to make this easy for her to grasp. Suddenly a light bulb went off!
“Think of oranges,” I said. “You have never liked oranges. Actually, you have a belief in your head that has told you, ‘I don’t like oranges’ so you have never actually tried an orange. If you changed your belief from ‘I don’t like oranges’ to ‘I might like oranges so I am prepared to try them’ then you open yourself up to the possibility of trying an orange and actually liking it. It is the same for maths and school work.”
I had her attention.
“So let’s think of some better beliefs about maths and school work.”
We started firing away…
“Maths can be fun.”
“If I do my work more quickly then it does not seem as boring.”
“If I put in more effort work becomes easy… and fun.”
“If I do my homework quickly then I have more time to play.”
I left it at that and went through to the kitchen. Five minutes later Rosie walks in with a definite purpose. She takes an orange out the bowl and begins to cut it into wedges.
“What are you doing?” I asked in surprise.
“I am trying an Orange,” she says… as if it is the most natural thing in the world. (I have been trying to get her to try orange for eight years!!)
She goes on to devour five oranges and then turns to me and says, “I love them!”
At supper that evening I asked Rosie to share her experience with her brothers.
“Well,” she said, “When I believed that I didn’t like oranges I would never even try one. When I changed my mind to say ‘I might like oranges’ I tried one and now I love them. Now I am going to change my mind about math’s and say to myself ‘maths might be fun’ and then see what happens.”
The boys nodded in approval. Sounded logical!
Since then the facts speak for themselves:
She came home the next week and said how interesting long division was!
She got full marks for a math’s test! (First time ever)
She came home glowing with pride because she had finished her maths work on time and handed her book in. (First time ever!!! Usually it comes home so we have more homework to fight over!)
Powerful stuff, and all at the age of eight! The greatest reward is that she feels so proud of herself… because she has created this!
It has inspired me to have another look at some of the negative beliefs that are still holding me back. Maybe you can do the same and we can all move a step closer to creating the reality we desire.
With great love,
Lindy
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Motherhood and Me @ Cape Town Baby Expo
Look out for the Motherhood and Me workshop at the Cape Town Baby Expo this month…
Date: Friday 30 October 2009 Time: 10:40 to 11:20 Workshop Theme: A Return to Intuition
